Forget 'Dear Abby,' this is for Dear Ali!
by Alison-beads-of-fiction
Summary: An afalcone10 outtake from Dead To My World written for Alisonbynumbers/NorthmanMaille


**To write this little outtake for my good friend Alison/NorthmanMaille/AlisonbyNumbers (she's so cool, she gets three names! hahaha) I went back and looked through all of the many, many exchanges I've ever had with her, either on FF or twitter. Then I came across something she'd said to me a while ago about how she really liked the part in chapter 7 of **_**Dead To My World**_** where Sookie calls Pam for advice on vampire teeth. So that's what this ditty's about, only the exchange is told from Pam's point of view, and not from Sookie's, as it is in the story. **

**I want to just put it out there that this story has made her cry (when Eric implied he thought Sookie picked him up because she knew it would be to her benefit) and get angry (when Eric admitted he had "backups" after Sookie) but she still reads it, still wants to talk about it, and still enjoys it, which I find amazing. That same kind of dedication she's shown for me is what I hope I can show for her now. I always look forward to talking to her and not just because she'll usually include some British slang or spelling like "favourite" or "apologise" or "mate" and make my British fangirl heart go a-flutter. She's given me advice when I struggled with a particular review, she remembered that I was graduating this year and congratulated me, and—best of all—she's made me laugh (or, okay, I'll admit it, snort :P) so many times. **

**So here we go, Alison. I hope Pam can put a smile on your face! Big Viking hugs to you, sweetie! xoxo, Alissa/afalcone10**

…

No matter how much they try to dress up and have meaningful conversations, humans are filthy creatures. They just are. They smell, they're loud, and they're annoying. The only difference between a human and a pig is that there's more blood to be had in a human—most of the time anyway. I'm not including those disgusting miniature humans that adult humans fawn over so much; I'm just glad Eric wanted to create a vampire-themed bar instead of a vampire-themed pre-school, or else maybe I'd curse him myself. The good, old-fashioned way by swearing, not by hiring a witch to do the dirty work. Especially because someone already did that.

_Fucking Hallow. _

For every woman Eric's been with—and believe me, that's a lot—there's always more that he's rejected. And they've all reacted differently: the shy ones back off and are never seen again, the dumb ones start stripping right there to tempt him, and the smart ones come to me. I guess there's another category now, since the crazy ones—Hallow—cast curses on him. I'll have to remember that.

Although, I have to admit, Eric was acting crazy when he turned down Hallow's offer. All he had to do was fuck her for a week, and she'd only want a fifth of the amount of money she was also lusting after, not a half. It's not like she was asking him to lick her feet every day for a week. Besides, he'd probably be fucking a woman every day anyway, why not just fuck Hallow? It'd be convenient and money-saving. Hell, I was just about ready to offer myself instead of Eric. I am sane, after all. And Hallow's kind of hot, in a psycho witch kind of way. I bet she'd be fun to play with in the bedroom.

And even though Eric didn't take Hallow's offer and he was cursed and has no memory of absolutely anything, he still ended up in the bedroom with a hot woman. Sookie Stackhouse. She's probably the best thing that ever came out of that bumfuck town she lives in, Bon Temps. Not only is she a telepath, which already makes her better than humans to begin with, but she's a beautiful one. Blonde hair, blue eyes the color of the sky I sometimes miss, and a nice, normal curvy body with beautiful bouncy breasts.

Stupid Eric has all the luck.

And while I was at it, Chow does too, because he gets to smell and see Sookie Stackhouse tonight since he's building Eric's resting spot in her house while I'm stuck at Fangtasia, enthralling the vermin. I would have much rather done what he's doing, even if it would have meant wearing sneakers.

I started this evening by sitting in Eric's special throne, the one that no one else but him has ever sat in, ever, and I couldn't even enjoy it because every three seconds a human approached it, sweating and stammering as they mumbled offerings of their tainted blood and mediocre sex. Most of them are men too, for fuck's sake.

Now I was in Eric's office, sitting in Eric's other chair that no one else has ever sat in, ever. And I was still unable to enjoy it. Because when I looked around, I remembered what Eric used to be like—strong, quick-thinking, independent, resourceful. I remembered walking in and seeing him fucking a hot young thing against his desk. I remembered sitting in on business meetings where Eric showed off his negotiating skills and made me proud he was my master. I remembered trying to convince Eric to decorate his office with more color, preferably pink, and him laughing it off.

But those memories only showed how different he seemed last night, when I met with him for the first time since he randomly disappeared from the office. He still had power, authority, brute force—but it felt like he didn't know what to do with it. Sure, he used it when he told me to speak normally so Sookie Stackhouse could be included in our conversations, or when he forbade us from harming her. But still, it was like Eric-lite: it was supposed to be similar to the real thing, only it wasn't.

I really hoped that was because of the curse, and not because of Sookie Stackhouse. Because I would have to kill her if she was the reason, and that'd be a waste of beauty. But at least that way I'd get to taste her blood. Mmm.

I never noticed how utterly dull and boring Fangtasia was until now that I didn't have Eric around to annoy. And Chow had returned yet, so I couldn't even tease him. I was about to leave and go find some bar patrons to scare, but then my cell phone rang. I picked it up off of Eric's desk, and recognized the number as the one that had shown up when Sookie Stackhouse

Hmm. This looked promising.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Hi Pam, it's Sookie Stackhouse. Do vampires brush their teeth?"

I burst out laughing—I couldn't help it. God, that was so fucking funny. _Do vampires brush their teeth_?

"Now that's actually funny. You're the first human to make me laugh in a very long time," I replied. I was liking this human more and more. She had a good sense of humor, like I secretly did.

Chow opened the door then, back from his little visit with Backwoods Barbie. He handed me a piece of paper describing everything that happened while he was over there. I only glanced at it, because I suddenly wondered if Sookie was actually asking me this question, not as a joke but because she needed to know.

I laughed, "Wait, are you serious? Oh, but that just makes it even funnier!" Chow threw me a questioning glance, so I explained, "Chow, Sookie Stackhouse and … Leif … want to know if vampires brush their teeth!"

Last night we had agreed on using Eric's go-to alias, Leif, so no one would know what he was up to. I knew there was no one within listening distance, but I wasn't going to compromise Eric's well-being because of laziness.

Chow barked out a short laugh, shaking his head.

"No, Sookie, vampires do not brush their teeth." I waited a minute—I was going to have fun with this. "And we do not floss either."

She laughed a little. Nice.

All this talk about teeth—particularly ones without fangs—reminded me of a Dear Abby article I had read a few days ago. Wanting to experience proof of Dear Abby's all-knowing expertise, I continued, "Although I do have it on good word that humans should brush their teeth twice a day for two minutes and floss regularly. Do you do that, Sookie Stackhouse?"

Chow looked at me like I was bonkers. I looked at him like he was Chow.

"Um, I guess," she replied, "but are you telling me that you actually associate with humans, Pam? Or that you care about my dental hygiene?"

Oh, I liked this Sookie Stackhouse. She was a little firecracker. No human had ever talked like that to me … and lived. I hated to admit that, but it was true. And not just because we weren't talking in person.

"Point. Dear Abby told me about the proper teeth cleaning procedures. Did you know that having white teeth and healthy gums increases your chances of finding a lover? Of course, having white fangs would help too."

Chow crossed his arms. He was not having as much fun with this conversation as I was.

"Dear Abby…from the advice column?" she asked hesitantly.

I rolled my eyes. Like there was any other Dear Abby. "Yes, are you familiar with her?"

"Sure, everyone is, I guess." I shook my head, even though she couldn't see it. Sookie was wrong. Only the worthy knew about Dear Abby, and that's all there was to it. She continued, "Listen, while I have you on the phone, what is a shifter, exactly?"

Fucking Chow. I glared at him, even though he was gazing at the floor, bored with this phone call. "You mean Chow didn't tell you what a shifter is?" I asked. He looked up immediately. He knew he was in trouble.

"He just said that they have an inferior sense of smell."

I understood that talking about shifters was almost as repulsive as actually being near one, but that is no excuse for not doing your job.

"Did he give you the gun and bullets and teach you how to shoot the shotgun?" I asked, getting some satisfaction from watching Chow look uncomfortable.

"Um … kind of. He left the gun but didn't do anything with it," she admitted.

Oh, that was it. "CHOW! You're such a human. Go enthrall the vermin, they're getting restless," I scolded. He walked out of the room and slammed the door shut. He hated the humans as much as I did.

I cleared my throat. "Since Chow has proved himself to be incapable of listening despite his vampire hearing, I will help you shoot a gun. I think tonight I shall glamor a cop into teaching me, something I have wanted to do since I saw the _Lara Croft: Tomb Raider_ movie but Eric wouldn't stop teasing me about it."

That Angelina Jolie. I wanted her. Badly. So badly, I didn't even care that she had kids. Not only was she fuckhot with the most gorgeous lips, but she already liked blood—she wore a vial of it around her neck. Now, was she my kind of girl or what?

"Now, fortunately Chow was able to successfully inform me of your discoveries from your workplace. I did a background check on your boss for security purposes, and your boss is a rare type of shifter that can change into any animal he sees. But there are other types of shapeshifters, like weres, that can only shift into a certain animal. Understand?"

Thankfully she did. "Got it. Thanks for the supernatural creatures 101 lesson. So Sam won't be able to smell Eric on me?"

I replied, "No, unless he has come into close contact with Eric, and I don't think he has. He has never come to Fangtasia or other Supe meetings."

I paused. She was so naïve about all this she probably didn't even know what a Supe was. I continued, "Supe being shorthand for "supernatural" creatures like vampires and shifters. But he has not revealed himself to be aligned with the witches, besides the fact that he allowed them to hang a sign in his business. You should be fine."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, thanks again. Anything else I should know?"

Not one to miss an opportunity to talk about Dear Abby to the only other person who seemed to like Her, I said, "Dear Abby says that the best year-round temperature is a warm heart and a cool head. Goodbye, Sookie Stackhouse. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation."

"If I didn't know any better I'd think that was a fortune cookie saying, Pam," she teased.

_Fortune cookie? _What the fuck was a fortune cookie? And why did it have a saying? Could it talk? A talking human food? Was that even possible? I barely even knew what a cookie was, let alone one that apparently told fortunes and had sayings.

"Oh, please," I shot back, hoping that the retort would be so snappy and ambiguous it wouldn't give away the fact that I had no idea what a fortune cookie was.

"Okay then. Good night," she replied, evidently buying what I was selling.

I hung up the phone and smiled slightly. Then I shook my head and pulled out Eric's laptop. I needed to Google what a fortune cookie was.


End file.
